To Be Mom

Being a stay at home mom can be hard sometimes.

Lately, I have struggled with the question of if I am good enough for my children.

Am I doing everything they need me to do to facilitate them becoming functioning humans? 
Do we eat healthy enough? Do I push the health foods too much?
Can we afford to send Annie to preschool?
Do I spend too much money on non essentials and not enough on tools for their learning?
Should I go back to work so we can save more money to get her a house with a yard?
Would the house and the yard be worth it to her if I wasn't home to play with her in it?
Is her misbehavior her way of gaining control for lack of stability, or does she have ADHD?

Since things settled down after our moved, 

we started wondering if some of Annie's bad habits and rebelliousness

were because of the changes or a form of ADD/ADHD.

Annie has always been an active little girl,

but around her 2nd birthday, active became hyperactive.

If you have spent much time with Annie, 

you know that she doesn't sit still.

She is very easily distracted, and cannot do basic tasks,

like brush her teeth or wash her hands, without supervision.

She destroys toys and books for the fun,

throws her mattress off her bed,

and empty's her drawers and toy boxes for the sake of something to do.

We have had a rough 2.5 years with her since we left Rexburg,

and for the longest time, I've felt like it's my fault.
We took her from the only home she knew, 
and we moved to Corona to live with family, 
which you would think wouldn't be too bad for her.
But we didn't just move her,
I went back to work and Jacob stayed home with her. 
For 6 months I was never home,and when I was,
I mostly slept because the commute and pregnancy were too much.

 Poor Jacob had no idea about routines
and Annie's need for outdoor activities daily.
So they stayed cooped upstairs and Annie got stir crazy.
She developed some of her worst habits,
yelling, hitting, screaming, picky eating.
It was all Jacob could do to go an hour some days without a tantrum.
And I know most of it was because she needed to feel in control.
I was gone, and she was somewhere she wasn't used to.
When we left for Mesa, we all,
(probably including my in-laws though they'd never say it)
were happy to go, the close quarters had taken it's toll.

We finally had our own space again, 
Jake was back to work, and Annie had me home again.
But Annie and I weren't the same.
She didn't trust me like she used to, and for a few months,
she freaked out every time I walked toward the door. 
Her attachment calmed down after a while, but her bad habits were too much.

We had hoped we wouldn't have to leave Mesa.
Annie had gotten used to it there,
and after getting a new baby brother, 
moving was the last thing she needed.
But we had to move, the job wasn't there,
and Vegas was the best choice for our family.
I know all this, I knew it when we made the decision,
but it doesn't make me feel any better that my poor Annie
had to be uprooted again.

SO here is my dilemma:
Have I just put Annie through the ringer so much with all the lack of stability these past 2.5 years that she was never able to develop discipline and self control?
OR
Did I pass on the genes that make her predisposed to Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorders?

This is what keeps my up at night.
It is my fault my child is the way she is,
no matter how you slice it, I am at fault.

When I woke up this morning,
my jaw sore, still recovering from surgery, hungry and exhausted 
from getting over emotional last night about our finances, again,
all I wanted was a day where I didn't need to be mom.
Annie is testing her boundaries because her grandma Tap-tap just left yesterday,
and she wants the freedom here at home that she got when she was out with Tap-tap.

So today, I have to be stern, I have to be mean.
Today I have to remind her that we don't climb on the table,
that little brothers aren't chairs,
and that we don't go in mommy's room with out mommy.
Today I will have a rough day, and struggle not to yell.
Today I will have to remember I love her more than my own life,
and I will have to call on my Father in Heaven more than usual for help to keep my emotions at bay.

Holidays 2014

I know, it has been a while since I have given an update!
We have been in Vegas since August and there just haven't been enough hours in the day!
BUT we can just ignore everything from the first few months and jump straight into the holidays! 

To start off this holidays recap, 

here is our Christmas card for all those we missed. 

I don't know if we will send out a letter every year,

but we felt like this year was necessary with all the changes.

(We had some people still thinking we were in Rexburg!) 

First a quick glimpse at our Halloween.

Annie as Princess Sofia from Disney JR. and Sammy as a Cow!

We kicked off the holiday season with Thanksgiving in Corona.

We drove in the night before and learned a few new road trip lessons. 

It was a memorable stop at the Carls Jr. in Barstow 

that will live in infamy.

I will spare you the gory details, but I will never 

give Annie that much juice in one sitting again,

and will forever have at least TWO spare outfits

PER KID easily accessible at all times!

We had a great weekend with two big dinners, Black Friday shopping, and Kaia's 1st Birthday! (my sister's daughter)

I wish we had taken more pictures!

The party was great, and I made the cake for the birthday girl to smash. 

It was a short trip but we were glad we made it. 

About 2 weeks before Christmas, poor Sammy Boy got sick. He started wheezing and had to start breathing treatments 3 times a day until his lungs cleared up. Needless to say he wasn't too happy about the mask. 

 

We went to

 Corona about 2 days before Christmas, and had only that much time to pick up and wrap presents! Thank goodness for Amazon and Targets free shipping and in-store pickup. 

Christmas was fun as usual!

Annie got to make a gingerbread house with Grandma Bendixen a few days before Christmas, and Sammy enjoyed rolling around and trying to grab the Christmas lights.

We had our traditional Christmas eve pjs and woke the next morning to lots of toys and pretty clothes and princess dresses.

My dad did something new for his gifts to us.

A stack of 100 sequential one dollar bills.

He likes to think he's really funny. 
We got to see Uncle Tanner on video chat

From then until New Years Eve, we spent most of our time with family, hanging around the house. 

We did get to see some friends the Bennett's,

and introduce the little boys!

Sammy was born less than 20 hours before Ryker

and they will be best friends! (they have no say in the matter)

The boys were so cute and fun to watch.

For New Years Eve we got to see the Bennett's again. The little boys thoroughly enjoyed all the noise makers at midnight, and Ryker got Sammy interested in the idea of crawling and sitting up by himself. (He was crawling within a week of being home.) 

Annie spent the night with Nanny and Pampa, and had a great time messing up the machines at Chuck E Cheese. 

After a morning of frisbee for Daddy and the park for Mama and Annie,

we left for home that afternoon. 

We are all glad to be home and finally back on a routine.
We have a lot of things in the works, including pending preschool enrollment, choir festivals, new callings, and a new business venture!
But this update is all you get for now!
xoxo, Devin!

Vegas Baby!

Not even 2 weeks ago, we were resigned to staying put,

and Jacob would just substitute teach in the local district.

We'd stay in this cramped apartment,

and he would work a full schedule with no chance of benefits.

But we we're okay with it, I was even happy, 
because that meant we weren't moving again.

Well, much to our surprise,

a school from Las Vegas called and a charter school in Mesa called

with in days of each other and he did phone interviews for both.

Well on Thursday, the day after his second phone interview with the principal in Vegas,

he was asked to come in to meet the principal at the charter school.

He was given a verbal offer on the spot for the charter school.

We we're ecstatic, and ready to call and accept it, 

when 2 hours later he got the call from Vegas offering him the job there!

WHAT?! Two seemingly amazing offers in one day,

and Vegas needed an answer by the following night!!!

We were floored, to say the least. 

We went back and forth over and over, and eventually decided to stay.

 But, of course 5 minutes later, Vegas called and dropped the deal maker.

The school is a Title 1 school, meaning it is in a poorer area.

Because of the Title 1 status, if we we're to stay with them for 5 years,

Jacob could qualify for student loan forgiveness.
Holy Moly! How nice would that be to not have to pay those off!
And then we read up on their retirement program and benefits package.
It felt like the dream job you expect to get in 10 years
was falling right into our laps.
But I couldn't bring myself to say "yes."

I don't how many people know this about me, but,

I don't like change!
I like my routine, I like the idea of things being the same a year from now.
Sameness soothes me.

I hate the idea of moving somewhere I've never lived before.
(I bawled my eyes out when we left Rexburg, and I kinda hated it there) 

The idea of moving to another town, another ward,

well that just makes me anxious.

So the thought of leaving my ward here in Mesa,
I just couldn't fathom it.
Jacob has made a lot of contacts with teachers in the area
we both have awesome callings with the youth,
we found a great playgroup,
I have made some AMAZING friends,
and we finally know our way around enough that we don't get lost anymore.
This place was really feeling like home.
I was ready to settle down here, and make our lives here.

But, after an evening out with some girl friends,
I was ready to do what needed to be done.
The entire 10 minute drive home,
I spoke out loud in prayer 
that I would have the strength to support my husband in this career move.
I prayed that I could be a refuge for him,
and to not be a source of worry for him,
because I knew up to that point that 
my feelings on moving were all was holding him back.

So as I walked in the door,
Jacob and I looked at each other
and we both said, more or less,

 "Vegas Baby!"

I really hope this is our last big move for a VERY long time.

Even if it isn't,

at least I'm not pregnant this time!

Samuel Thomas Bendixen

Little man joined our family exactly a month ago this evening.

I cannot believe how quickly this month has passed!

So, I'm just gonna put it out there,

I am having a much easier recovery period with this baby than the first!

Annie will one day read this and think that I hated her as a baby,

and that's not true.

I love my baby girl, and always have, but,

after giving birth the first time, 

I was completely unprepared for the lack of sleep

and the excess of hormones.

This video is in no way an exaggeration of how my hormones 

were for those first few weeks of motherhood.

Poor Jacob had no clue what he got himself into,

and this time around he was very shocked 

when I only had one break down in the 2 weeks postpartum,

(and really anyone would cry after they saw how much my traffic ticket cost!)

But, to get to the real point of this post,

this birth story is a lot different from my first.

As you may know,

I developed gestational diabetes this pregnancy, 

and due to fear of possible complications, 

I was set to be induced on May 10th, 7 days before my due date.

We were so lucky to have my parents come into town the night before

and they were taking care of Annie for us.

Now, I had been contracting off and on for over a week,

so when we finally got admitted at 10:30,

I was more than relieved to finally get the show on the road.

I was already dilated to 4 inches,

and once they started my pitocian, 

I consistently progressed a half inch every hour.

At about 3:30 pm, my doctor came in to check in,

and broke my water, which was what put it over the top for me.

Half hour later I had my epidural done and 

I was really excited for the prospect of a nap. 

However, I never got that nap. 

Little boy was now so low that 

the only way they could find him on the fetal monitor

was for me to lay with my legs at like 90 degrees apart,

with a big peanut shaped ball in between them.

After we finally got that figured out, 

I was ready to nap except for the overwhelming feeling 

that I needed to go to the bathroom. 

It was uncomfortable enough to keep me awake,

and when I eventually called the nurse in to see what we could do,

she checked and I was fully dilated.

By the time my OB came in 5 minutes later,

he was crowning and they started turning the room over for delivery.

As this all was happening, 

I just kept thinking out loud that I never got my nap!

After about 15 minutes of pushing,

our little man joined the world at 6:35 pm.

We are so in love with him,

and his big sister likes him more and more each day.

Samuel Thomas Bendixen

In just one month, this little man has changed our lives

so much for the better.

He has made his sister more loving and sharing.

Daddy and I may be exhausted,

but we are so in love with him! 

He is a calm, happy baby,

a great sleeper, an awesome eater, and a pro at this growing thing!

(He gained 3lbs already!)

So excited to see how much he changes in this next month!

Welcome Little Boy!

Oh my goodness!

I can not believe that is has only been a week since my baby boy 

came into this world, and brightened up our lives!

Right now, he and his daddy are in the bedroom,

taking a well deserved nap.

On nights like last night, daddy ends up with only 4 hrs of sleep,

and gets up with Annie to let mommy sleep in. 

I really don't have much time to make this a long update,

baby boy and I have our first social engagement out of the house

in just 2 hours, and who knows if I'll be ready to go on time.

But while I have Annie confined to her high chair for lunch,

I though I'd just quickly give his stats 

and share some pictures!

(Hopefully sometime soon, when things calm down, 

I can sit down for a bit longer and tell you his birth story)

Samuel Thomas Bendixen

Born May 10, 2014 at 6:35 pm

Weighing 8lbs 2oz

21 inches long

To Do List

We are heading into the home stretch of this pregnancy, 

with a little over 3 weeks to go to my official due date, 

and I really don't think we will make it that far. 

Really, I think we'll be lucky to make it 2 weeks.

So with my gestational diabetes, they aren't completely sure 

they want to let me get to my due date, 

just because they don't want him getting too big 

and having to resort to c-section

(and I don't really want a c-section so I'm all for early).

I went into an appointment on Tuesday and I was 

already dilated to 3 cm and effaced 70%.

Most women can stay at 3 cm for a few weeks,

but with my effacement and the fact that 

I have prep contractions keeping me up at night,

I think that this little boy has maybe 1.5 weeks left

before he really starts trying to make his debut. 

Luckily for us, my grandma will be here in a week 

to be Annie's personal nanny/my personal assistant

for what will probably be the last few days of my pregnancy.

YAY! 

This means I can actually get things done before he comes like:

make sure the laundry doesn't pile up,

or prep some freezer meals before hand,

or finish re organizing the kids room!

And there is now a good possibility that 

my house might not be a complete disaster when I leave for the hospital!

But, what I am really excited for is that 

I won't have to take advantage of my good friends generosity for much longer!

I feel like I have used up and now owe so many favors 

just for friends that have watched Annie for my bi-weekly doctors appointments.

I will never be able to repay them,  but I'm sure gonna try.

So here's to making sure that this little boy stays where he is,

at least long enough for us to get through our to-do list,

which includes, but is not limited to:

cleaning out the car and putting in the car seat,

finishing Annie's big-sister gift, 

packing Jacob's hospital bag,

finishing the "suck up to the labor nurses" gift,

stock up on multiple sizes of diapers,

move Annie into her toddler bed and re sleep-train her,

and make my hospital gown 

(because the ones they provide are never very comfortable or feel sanitary).

Wish us luck!!

Oh! And I completely forgot we just had Easter!

Here's a look at the Annie's Easter dress I made,

and the closest thing I got to a nice family picture!

{Our Spring Break}

So Jacob was home all this last week for Spring Break, 

and it could not have come at a better time.

We both needed to go to the dmv to get our new driver licences,

and Jacob had a lot of work to get done on his work sample for student teaching.

It was so nice having him here to help with Annie,

and help keep the house in order whilst I have been somewhat distracted.

Last week I got a call from my Dr's office 

to give me the results of my most recent blood draws.

It turned out that I was anemic (shocker),

and that I did not pass my blood glucose test. 

*If you've never heard of a blood glucose test, they give you this gross sugary drink,

and then tell you you can't eat or drink for an hour and then they draw your blood 

at the end of that hour, and test the levels to see how you body reacts to a spike in sugar.*

So, on Monday, I spent 3 hours at the Dr's office, 

had to fast 8 hours beforehand, drink another gross drink, 

and have my blood drawn every hour to get a better look at my sugar levels.

I finally heard back Thursday morning

that 2 of my 4 draws came back high, 

which  earned me a diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes.

Yikes! The D-word! 

Gestational Diabetes a form of diabetes that affects 5% of pregnancies in the US, 

where a pregnant women has become insulin resistant

due to the hormones that the placenta is producing.  

That's pretty much the easiest way to explain it. 

If you know me well, 
you know that in high school one of my nick names was
the CARB-ivore.

Bring on second breakfast!! 
Pancakes, Belgian Waffles, French toast, I could eat them for every meal!
And when I am pregnant, there is just about NOTHING
that can keep me from sweets!
(Heck, I would plan dessert before dinner every night, just ask Jacob!)

So when someone tells hormonal me,
'You can only have x-amount of carbs per meal,
or you could endanger yourself and your baby,'
All I hear is 
'No brownies, or your baby could die!'
Yes, that is over reacting just a bit, 
but I'm pregnant, sue me!

So here I am, 
eating the way they are telling me to for the health of my son.
I am doing my best to keep from temptation,
hiding the baking supplies in the back of the pantry,
avoiding certain aisles at the store,
and I have stopped following some of my favorite celebrity chefs 
and even some friends on pinterest, 
all to avoid the nagging urge to fire up the oven 
and throw myself face first into a full tray of brownies.

I haven't quite figured out if I will be able to
manage my glucose levels with diet alone, 
without medication or regular insulin injections,
but all I want is to know that my son will be healthy.
I may not get that peace of mind until he is physically in my arms,
but I'm going to fight and pray for it.
And I am not to prideful to ask for prayers
in our behalf, especially now when I am still transitioning.